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Quick Recoveries from Bedroom Bloopers

1. THE QUEEF

You're in the zone and contorting in ways that would impress the folks at Cirque du Soleil. Then, suddenly, there's a farting sound. And it's coming from you. It might be odourless but a fanny fart can be very embarrassing. The good news? Most guys really do find that fart sounds are just hilarious, so don't feel mortified, encourages Sex and Relationships Therapist Pamela Supple of Sex Therapy Australia. "It's only an air pocket," she explains. "Just say 'Whoops' and try to make light of it. Don't be embarrassed."

2. HE CAN'T GET IT UP

There are few things that pummel a man's ego more than not being able to get an erection. It can be due to stress or tiredness, but if it happens all the time it could be something more serious, such as erectile dysfunction. If he has been drinking alcohol, chances are it's a classic case of brewer's droop. Whatever it is, "The less emphasis you place on it the better," says Vanessa Gore, sex therapist and founder of NSW Sexology Services. "Tell him how to please you in other ways." He'll likely pull out all the stops to pleasure you.

3. HE'S A FAST ONE

Premature ejaculation effects one in every three men. The best thing to do is just play it cool. "Some men treat coming too soon as a total disaster and are too embarrassed to talk about it with their partner, which simply makes things worse," says sex therapist and author Bettina Arndt. Relieve his concerns with a cheeky smile and tell him he owes you one. The good news is, he'll probably be ready for a second round soon and you're bound to get more out of him if you act like it's not a big deal.

4. HE PULLS OUT A SCARY PROP

You're in the middle of a steamy session, when all of a sudden he whips out a sex toy. You find it embarrassing, gross or downright frightening, and basically want to flee the room. As fast as you can. "If he brings out anal beads or a leather whip and you're not OK with it, you have to tell him, 'No, stop'," says Supple. What if you're worried it will kill the mood? It doesn't matter, she adds. "It's your body, and if you're not comfortable with any aspect that he wants to include, tell him you're not into it."

5. THE WORDS ARE WRONG

Romping with a verbal man can be fraught with awkwardness. If it descends into weird territory - any mention of the word "Daddy", for example - keep his lips busy elsewhere. Encourage him to zip it by saying, "It turns me on when you kiss me here." What if you call out the wrong name? "Turn it into a girl's name," says Gore. "If you call out Andrew, pretend you meant to say Andrea - he's less likely to be offended if he thinks you were fantasising about a girl."

 

Cosmopolitan November 2010