9 out of 10 Wives Are Not Obedient in The Bedroom
That's what we learnt from 30 Singaporean women we spoke to. But a handful of these women, who admit they are sexually obedient to their husbands, tell Sasha Gonzales it has worked wonders for their marriage.
In the 1980s, Texan supermodel Jerry Hall, ex-wife of The Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger, famously quipped that, to keep her husband, a woman had to be "a maid in the Living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom". And let's not forget another popular saying: "Men want a lady on their arm and a whore in bed."
But do Singaporean wives subscribe to that? Probably not. In our random online poll of 30 women, 27 said they are not sexually obedient in bed.
Yet, is this how women should behave as part of their duty as wives, or as a way to prevent husbands from straying? Several Singaporean women tell us they believe so, and some of them say sexual obedience has actually helped their marriage.
Being an obedient wife isn't a bad thing...
These women say they don't see anything wrong with giving in to their husbands' sexual demands. In fact, they are quite happy to admit that they will do whatever their husbands tell them to do in bed, even if they don't particularly like it.
Says Rania*, 40, a part-time teacher: "I am progressive in many ways, but I was raised to believe that the husband is always in charge. And that privilege extends to the bedroom. I love my husband and want to please him every time we make love, so if he asks me to behave in a certain way in bed, of course I will do it — yes, even if I think it's off-putting. The way I see it, men are more sexual than women. As his wife, it is my duty to service him in whatever way that makes him happy."
Lynne*, 35, a travel consultant, shares that it's her spousal obligation to please her husband in bed, and if acting more sexually adventurous is what it takes to satisfy him, she will do it.
"Sometimes, Alan* asks me to act out certain fantasies with him or dress a little slutty for him in bed — how can I say *no'? If I can't make him happy between the sheets, then who can?" she asks. "I love having sex with my husband, so if he wants to introduce new ideas into the bedroom, of course I will try my best to make it happen. So far he's not asked me to do anything I disagree with, and I don't know what I'd say if he did! But the bottom line is that sex is a priority in our marriage and I will go to great lengths to make sure he's happy."
Some husbands are obedient, too...
But the women also point out that sexual obedience is not necessarily a one-way street. And by satisfying their husbands in bed, they are also able to ask the same of their spouses.
Carly* believes that as a wife, it's her duty to give her husband good sex, whenever he wants. But the 38-year-old entrepreneur also believes that he has to do the same for her. "I joke that Damian* is my personal sex slave. I am quite bossy in bed, so if I'm feeling sexually aroused, Damian has to do what it takes to please me," she explains. It works both ways. I don't think it's demeaning to either of us at all. Isn't keeping each other happy in bed a huge part of being married?"
Carly says that Damian doesn't mind fulfilling her sexual demands and doesn't at all feel objectified by his wife. Once, says Carly, Damian also signed her up for a sex workshop. "I learnt how to please my man in bed," she shares. "Sex is important for us both, so I don't see anything wrong in making the effort to keep each other happy in bed."
I always say "yes". I’d rather he do it with me than with someone else.
Can sexual obedience prevent cheating?
Gina*, 36, a trainer, said that after her husband cheated on her early on in their marriage, she became obsessed with making sure it didn't happen again - even if it meant "acting cheap" in bed.
She shares: "I was traumatised when Mark* cheated on me; fortunately, we had counselling and are now trying to work things out. I can't help but feel he cheated because he wasn't getting enough at home, so now I make sure we have good sex, and often. Whatever he wants to do - from acting out certain fantasies to trying new things - I'll always say 'yes'. I'd rather he do it with me than with someone else. Even if I'm not up to having sex when he wants to, such as early in the morning, I feel like I have to do it. I don't want him to stray again. Some of my friends think I'm crazy, but I'd do anything to make my marriage work."
What it says about your relationship
According to Pamela Supple, Sex and Relationship Therapist from the Sydney-based Sex Therapy Australia, behaving like a cat in heat between the sheets is no guarantee that your man won't cheat. "If your spouse wants to stray, he will stray, no matter what," she says, "and acting like a whore certainly will not prevent divorce."
If you feel that your husband is coercing you into acting like a wanton woman in bed, and he threatens you with divorce if you don't, he is acting in a manipulative manner. "Remember that you have your own mind and body, and you have the right to say 'no'. On the other hand, if you want to do it and both of you agree to it, then it's consensual. Anything sexual has to be consensual. No means no, and threats are threats," says Pamela.
If you think that you have to be a nymphomaniac in order to keep your man and make him happy, and you are okay with it, then that's your prerogative. However, if you feel that you have to act this way to save your marriage, or if your husband expects this form of sexual behaviour from you, then this is going against your free will. It's a sign that your relationship is a manipulative one, says Pamela. "It's a clear case that your husband is using his power incorrectly and is thus coming across as threatening or coercive."
She continues: "If he expects you to behave like a whore in bed, and you don't want to, you might also grow to resent or fear him. You might even become averse to sex because you'll start to associate the act with behaving in a way you aren't comfortable with. If you think that you have to act this way to keep your man and stop him from straying, or to save your marriage, you don't."
*Names have been changed
Are you a sexually obedient wife?
WE POLLED 30 READERS AND HERE'S WHAT THEY SAID:
27 said “No. I'm Not”
"If he demands I have sex with him when I don't feel like it, I certainly wouldn't give in - and thankfully, he's never pressured me into anything. I love my man, but I'm not his sex Slave." - Amanda, 36
"I'm all for making my husband happy in bed, but not if he forces himself on me, expects me to act a certain way or makes me do something I'm not comfortable with. That’s just not right." - Nana, 25
"My husband and I act out a 'dirty whore' fantasy when we role-play, but only when I am up for it. He could never make me do something I'm not Comfortable With." - Lisa-Ann, 27
3 said “Yes, I Am”
"I always oblige my husband when he wants some action. I'd do anything to put a smile on his face, even if I wasn't in the mood. How can making him happy feel degrading?" - Rebecca, 37
"If being sexually obedient means letting my husband have his way with me in bed, then I'm guilty. I like it when he assumes control over me because in other aspects of our marriage, I believe I'm the more dominant one." - Lydia, 37
Simply Her Magazine - Singapore - September 2011